Cheap Shot Page 13

  “You’re so dramatic, Sela.” Her mother sighed. “I’m sure he built the story up to make himself seem more heroic.”

  “I can’t believe you’re saying these things. I went to the hospital. The tests found drugs in my system.” She looked up to find Jaxon leaning on her doorway. “I’m sorry,” she mouthed to him.

  He waved her off.

  “And Jaxon sure as hell wasn’t responsible for any of it,” Sela continued. “The fact that you would even imply such a thing is unforgiveable.”

  “You’re sleeping with him again, aren’t you?” Andrea demanded.

  “If I were, he wouldn’t have had to slip something in my drink to get me back into bed, would he? That kind of shoots your little theory all to hell, doesn’t it, Mother?”

  “Don’t get smart with me. Was your father right? Are you sleeping with him again?”

  “That’s none of your business!” She took a deep breath, but it did little to calm her nerves. “If you and Dad can’t support my decisions, you can stay the hell out of my life!” She hit the disconnect button, her hand trembling as she slammed the phone down in the cradle.

  “Wow,” Jaxon said, whistling. “I knew they hated me, but this takes it to a new level, doesn’t it?”

  Sela felt like crying, but she refused to allow her mother to reduce her to tears. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that.” She ran a hand through her messy hair. “She was way out of line.”

  “It’s okay.” Jaxon sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her into his arms. “I’ve given your parents plenty of reasons to hate me. I broke their little girl’s heart, and they’re afraid I’m going to do it again. If I were them, I’d hate me too.”

  “Don’t give them a pass,” she whimpered, in spite of her vow not to cry. “The way they’re behaving is inexcusable. I can’t believe they’d suggest that you could do something like that to me.”

  Jaxon drew back and looked her in the eye as he caught a tear sliding down her cheek. “There are days when I hate myself for what I did to you, but you have to know I’d never hurt you again.”

  It was easy to believe him when she saw the sincerity in his eyes, but he’d said those words before and shattered her heart almost beyond repair. “I want to believe you.”

  “But you can’t. Not yet. I get that.”

  Sela reached for his hand when he pulled away. “It’s not that I don’t still have feelings for you. I do.” But was she still in love with him? Even if she was, could she ever trust him again? Could she believe he was in it for the long haul?

  “I guess that’s a start.”

  “Where do you see us going, Jaxon?” She never thought she’d ask him that question again, not after he’d shot her down so many times.

  “I’m in love with you.” He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. “It’s as simple as that. I never thought I’d be able to think about forever with anyone, but I don’t want to lose you again.”

  Sela frowned. “Are you saying you’d marry me just to keep from losing me?”

  “I’m saying I’d do whatever it took to make you happy. If you wanted to get married… if that would make you happy, I would.”

  She withdrew her hand, wondering if he even realized he was insulting her. “I don’t want a man to marry me just to make me happy. I want someone who wants to marry me because it’ll make him happy, because I make him happy.”

  Jaxon frowned as though she wasn’t making any sense. “Of course being with you makes me happy. Would I be trying to get back with you otherwise?”

  Sela pulled the sheet tighter around her, feeling too exposed. The lack of clothing didn’t make her uncomfortable, but the prospect of opening herself up to a man who still seemed to be on another plane as far as commitment did. “You don’t get it, do you?”

  “Get what?”

  She saw the fear in his eyes and felt a modicum of relief that she wasn’t the only one who was terrified. “A woman doesn’t want a man to marry her out of a sense of obligation.” She couldn’t believe she had to explain that to him, but he really did seem clueless. “I get the feeling you’d be satisfied with a casual relationship forever. Seeing each other, maybe living together, that would be enough for you, wouldn’t it?”

  “I haven’t really thought that far into the future.” His eyes were downcast when he said, “A few weeks ago, I was just concerned about getting you to speak to me again. I never expected we’d be”—he gestured toward the un-made bed—“back here so soon.”

  “Then this is happening too fast for you?” Sela didn’t know why she was disappointed he hadn’t changed as much as she’d hoped. He may be willing to say the words she wanted to hear, but he still didn’t have the guts to back them up.

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You didn’t have to.” When he didn’t respond, she said, “I think it’s time for you to go now. I’ll be fine on my own from now on.” She wasn’t just talking about the headache. Jaxon had reaffirmed what she already knew, and she’d be better off alone than with a man who made her feel like marrying her was a price too big to pay.

  “Look, this came out all wrong. Just because I haven’t thought about the future doesn’t mean we won’t get there eventually.”

  She tried to mask her sadness when she looked at him, but she suspected he knew her well enough to see right through her. “Eventually? Are we talking months, years, maybe never?” When he didn’t respond, she said, “That’s what I thought. I don’t want someone who needs forever to decide if I’m the right woman for him. He should just know. In his gut.”

  “My gut is telling me I love you,” he whispered, agony apparent in his voice. “Can’t that be enough for now?”

  “There was a time when it would have been, but it’s not anymore. You’re not the only one who’s changed. I have too, and I’ve decided I want all or nothing. If you still don’t think you have it in you to give your all to this, then I want nothing from you.”

  “I’m gonna ask for the same thing you did… just a little more time to—”

  “Our time’s run out, Jaxon. You need to leave. Now.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Jaxon was still reeling when he returned to the office. He couldn’t believe what had happened with Sela. He had been so sure they were on the right track, then she’d thrown a major roadblock in his path. The M word. He wasn’t opposed to marriage someday. But right now? No way. Not even to Sela. He didn’t want to make a mistake and live to regret it the way his parents had.

  “Jax, I’m glad I caught you,” Zach said, reaching for Jaxon’s arm before he stepped on the elevator. “Have you got a minute? There’s something I’d like to talk to you about before I bring it up at the board meeting this afternoon.”

  The board meeting. Jaxon couldn’t believe he’d let something so important slip his mind. That just proved how much of his mind Sela was monopolizing. As much as he loved her, he couldn’t afford to become complacent when everything he’d worked so hard for was on the line.

  “Of course,” Jaxon said. “I was just heading to my office. Why don’t we talk in there?”

  As soon as they were behind closed doors, Zach said, “I didn’t want to talk about this out there, but what the hell happened with Riley last night?”

  “He put something in Sela’s drink.” Jaxon slipped off his jacket and set it on the back of his swivel chair. “Thankfully the security cameras caught him in the act. When the police watched it, they had him.”

  “Is he in jail?” Zach asked, sitting in the guest chair in front of Jaxon’s desk.

  “I have no idea.” Jaxon rolled back the sleeves on his white shirt before loosening the knot on his lavender silk tie. He had to power through a mountain of work before the meeting unless he wanted to give his partners the impression he’d been slacking off. “I haven’t heard.”

  “I heard they hauled you downtown,” Zach said. “Riley accused you of assault and making death threats. What the hell was that about?”<
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  Jaxon wished he’d had the foresight to stop for a second cup of coffee. He would need it just to field his friend’s questions. “It’s a long story. Suffice it to say he hurt Sela, and I wasn’t going to let him get away with it.”

  Zach smiled. “I heard that was back on. Dylan mentioned something about her working in the V.I.P. lounge. When did that happen?”

  “When you were on that five-day road trip.” Jaxon’s partners rarely got involved in hiring at the bar level since that was the manager’s responsibility. “But I wouldn’t say we’re back together. Quite the opposite, in fact.” Jaxon fired up his computer, hoping his friend would take the hint that he didn’t want to talk about Sela.

  “What happened?”

  “She had a boyfriend. Now she doesn’t.”

  “That’s good for you, right?” Zach frowned. “Come on, I know you’ve never gotten over her. Don’t you want her back?”

  “Of course I do. I’m just not sure I want her back on her terms, and they seem non-negotiable.”

  “What are her terms?” Zach asked.

  Jaxon repressed a sigh. Apparently Zach wasn’t going to let it go. “She wants it all, marriage, kids, the whole deal.”

  “So? What’s wrong with that? You love her, don’t you?”

  “It’s not as simple as that, and you know it. Marriage… that’s a big step, one I’m not sure I’m ready to take.”

  “Then you’ll lose her again. Is that what you want?”

  Jaxon glanced at the shiny gold band on his friend’s finger. Marriage had been a no-brainer for Zach, but he came from a loving, supportive family. He would never understand what it felt like to have the rug ripped out from under you when you were too young to even know what suicide meant.

  “Of course that’s not what I want, but I don’t want to mess up her life either,” Jaxon said.

  “What makes you so sure you will?”

  “I have a terrible track record with relationships. You guys know that better than anyone.”

  “People change, Jax. You’ve changed since you and Sela broke up. I’ve seen it.”

  Jaxon couldn’t deny that was true, but he felt light years away from being ready to recite those all-important vows. “What if I turn out to be a coward like him? What if I bail when things get tough like I did last time?”

  “You mean when you broke up with Sela?”

  “Yeah.” Just the thought of hurting her again made him sick, but the worst part was that he couldn’t swear, even to himself, that the urge to flee was gone. His dad had bailed on him, and he’d bailed on every woman who got too close. It was a pattern he couldn’t ignore.

  “I don’t understand why you wanted her back in your life if you weren’t sure you could go the distance this time,” Zach said, sounding as frustrated as Jaxon felt.

  “I don’t understand it either.” He rubbed his forehead, wondering if it was possible for his head to explode from all the pressure he put on himself. “I didn’t think that far into the future. I knew I loved her and I’d made a mistake letting her go, but I didn’t know if she’d ever speak to me again.”

  “So the thought of a future with her never entered your head?”

  “Sure, it did, as an abstract idea. But now that I’m confronted with the reality, I’m scared shitless.” Jaxon could only admit that to his best friends. “I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt her again, and how do I know for sure I won’t?” He felt a chill sweep through him. “What if we got married and she got pregnant?”

  “Would that be so terrible?” Zach shook his head. “Man, I know you’ve been through a lot with your family, but take it from me, being a parent can be incredible. You don’t have to repeat your parents’ mistakes. You know what it can do to a kid, having a parent who’s messed up. You wouldn’t do that to your son or daughter.”

  “But that’s just it,” Jaxon whispered, barely able to hear himself. “I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t. People repeat patterns. Any shrink will tell you kids are a product of their environment. They grow up to live out the same self-destructive patterns their parents did.”

  “I didn’t know your old man, but I can say you’re nothing like your mother.”

  “Are you sure about that?” Jaxon felt his doubt and fear growing. “Many would say I’m just like her. A control freak. Bitter. Resentful. Angry.”

  “You’re also fun, caring, generous, ambitious… one of the best friends I’ve ever had.”

  “Those are the reasons Sela fell in love with me,” he said, feeling any hope about the future slipping away. “But the other sides of my personality… those could give her reason to hate me. I don’t want her to hate me.”

  “Buddy, have you talked to your therapist about this? You’re paying him to help you work through your messed-up childhood so you can have a normal, healthy relationship, right?”

  Jaxon rolled his eyes. “He’s not a miracle worker. He can’t make me normal.”

  “Just do me a favor,” Zach said, reaching for the phone. “Make an appointment to see him. Today. Tell him it’s an emergency.”

  “We have the board meeting,” he said. “Besides, didn’t you want to talk to me about something?”

  “That can wait. This can’t.”

  * * *

  Jaxon sat across from the psychologist he’d been seeing for the past several months, wondering why they hadn’t had a breakthrough yet. He wanted to get better, didn’t he? He wanted to be strong enough and brave enough to have a normal relationship. so why couldn’t he get past his fear?

  “Did you hear what I said, Jaxon?” Dr. Masters asked.

  “I’m sorry, what?” Jaxon returned his attention to the man seated across from him.

  Dr. Masters had shrewd dark eyes and wiry silver hair that brushed his collar. His steel-framed glasses always slipped down his nose when he was regarding a patient, and he reminded Jaxon so much of his father, it hurt. “I asked you what happened to prompt this setback. The last time we talked, you were so sure about your feelings for Sela.”

  “It’s not my feelings for her I’m questioning,” Jaxon said, trying to sort through his jumbled thoughts. “It’s me I’m doubting.”

  He slipped the tip of the silver pen into his mouth and mumbled around it, “Go on.”

  “I don’t know if I have what it takes to make her happy.”

  “What do you think it would take to make her happy?”

  “She wants a man who’ll be there for her no matter what.”

  “I see,” he said, tapping the pen against his chin. “And you can’t be sure you would be?”

  “I don’t have a crystal ball. I’d like to believe I would, but how do I know for sure?”

  Dr. Masters chuckled. “I’ve been married to my wife for thirty-seven years, and I’m still taking it one day at a time.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Thinking about forever can seem like an overwhelming prospect. I’d suggest thinking about how you feel today, right this minute.”

  “I miss her like hell already,” Jaxon admitted. “And I just left her this morning.”

  “That says a lot, wouldn’t you say?”

  “But she wants me to promise I’ll be the kind of husband and father dreams are made of, and I can’t promise that,” he said, irritation seeping into his voice. “I’m afraid of disappointing her.”

  “I don’t think any man can make that kind of promise.” Dr. Masters narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure those are Sela’s expectations and not yours?”

  “Why would you ask that? You think I make this stuff up to torture myself?” Jaxon rarely pulled punches with the good doctor, which supposedly made their sessions better.

  “No, not at all.” Dr. Masters smiled. “I think you’re hard on yourself. You’re your own worst critic, and there’s no room in your life for failure.”

  “Losers fail,” Jaxon said, curling his lip in disgust. “I’m not a loser.”

  “But your father was?�
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  Jaxon recoiled. He’d never characterized his father as a loser. A coward, yes, but never a loser. “When did I say that?”

  “You didn’t have to say it. You felt it.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “It’s okay to admit it. You’re not disparaging your father’s memory. You have a right to your feelings, just like he had a right to do what he did.”

  “He had no right to take his life!” Jaxon shouted. “He had a family who was counting on him!”

  “And that’s what you’re afraid of, aren’t you? Having people count on you?”

  “My mother’s been counting on me to support her for years,” Jaxon reminded him.

  “Yes, and you resent her because of it. You feel it was supposed to be the other way around. She was supposed to be taking care of you until you could care for yourself. Isn’t that right?”

  Jaxon shrugged. He hated analyzing his relationship with his mother even though he knew it was the root of all of his problems. “I guess so.”

  “Now you’re afraid you’ll come to resent Sela if you allow her to depend on you… just like you resent your mother.”

  Jaxon stared at the therapist in shock. Was that his problem? “I want Sela to need me.” He felt almost guilty admitting it, but it was true. He wanted to be the one she turned to when she needed something.

  “Do you suppose you feel that way because Sela is independent? Based on what you’ve told me about her, she didn’t need her parents’ help when she decided to change her life. She could have continued working at her father’s law firm.”

  “That’s true,” Jaxon said, considering the situation from a new perspective.

  “She walked away from that opportunity because she knew no matter what, she’d always be able to take care of herself. She decided she wanted to be happy while doing it.”

  “You’re right.”

  “She didn’t need her parents, and she doesn’t need you, Jaxon. How does that make you feel?”