Trade Off Read online

  “Does that scare you?” He knew it didn’t worry him. The promise of another chance at forever with her felt like a priceless gift he’d never dared hope to receive.

  “I don’t know.” She laid her head on his shoulder as his arms came around her.

  “During the darkest times in my life, you were always there.” He turned her into his arms so her back pressed against his chest. “In my heart, my mind, living in my memories.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek, hoping she could feel the depth of his love in the beat of his heart against her back. He was telling her without saying the three little words she’d said to him because he needed her to understand that he didn’t just love her, he appreciated her and what they’d almost lost.

  “I think that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

  “I was a kid when we were together, Sela. I didn’t know what loving someone meant, not really. I knew you made me feel good, that you made me happy. I wanted to be with you all the time. But until I lost you, I had no idea how much I needed you.”

  “I know. I felt the same way. I tried to fill the void with people, things, work, but nothing filled that gaping emptiness you left in my life. It was like my heart was broken and no matter what I tried to do, nothing healed it.” She ran her hands back and forth over his forearm as she spoke. “Eventually, I just gave up trying. I thought that’s just the way it had to be, like I was being punished—”

  He pressed a finger against her lips to halt her words. He couldn’t stand to listen to her beat herself up anymore, not when he deserved as much, if not more, of the blame. “Stop, please. Don’t do that to yourself, you don’t deserve it.”

  She tilted her head back to look at him. “Do you really feel that way? Can you honestly forgive me?”

  “On one condition.”

  “What’s that?”

  “That you can find a way to forgive me.”

  A frown drew a line between her arched eyebrows as she said, “You didn’t do anything wrong, Aiden. What happened was my fault.”

  “That’s not true. I put my career above all else, includin’ you and our relationship. I know I can’t keep beatin’ myself up about it, but I sure as hell won’t make the same mistake again. I can promise you that.”

  She pressed a kiss to his arm before settling in to lean her head against his chest again.

  Nothing had ever felt as right as having her in his arms, and he knew nothing ever would. She was made for him. “I mean it, baby. I’ll put you first, always. You and our family.” He felt the tension in her body as soon as he uttered the one word he now understood was off limits. “What’s wrong? You want us to try and have another baby someday, don’t you?”

  “You don’t know what it was like for me after the miscarriage, Aiden. I was in a really dark place. I never thought I’d get over it.”

  He hated to hear the torment in her voice, hated even more that he couldn’t let this go. “I’m sure everyone feels that way after the loss of a child, sweetheart. But you can’t let it rob you of the chance to be a mother. We always talked about havin’ kids, remember?”

  “Yeah, I remember.” Her response was so soft he’d had to strain to hear her. “But I kind of gave up on that dream after the miscarriage. I had to.”

  He didn’t want to ask, but he had to know. “Did you and Neil ever talk about having a family? You know, adoptin’ or…”

  “Sure, but I knew bringing a child into a loveless marriage wasn’t fair. Besides, I didn’t think I could look at that child without being reminded of the baby we lost.”

  “Yeah, but this would be different. We’re talkin’ about a baby that we created together. Don’t you want that?”

  “Of course I do, but I’m scared. What if I had another miscarriage or the stress was too much for our relationship and you bailed—”

  He grabbed her shoulders, prompting her to turn around and look at him. “You can’t be serious. After everything I’ve told you tonight, you think there’s a chance in hell that I’d leave you… not to mention our kid?” Just when he felt secure in the knowledge they’d come this far, he realized how much further they had to go. “How can you even think that?”

  “I’m sorry.” She dropped her head. “I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to get hurt. But I can’t tell you what you want to hear just to make you happy. I did that once before and look where we ended up. I don’t want that to happen to us again.”

  He knew there was no room for anger and hurt to come between them tonight. Not when they were so close to finding their way back to each other. “You know what? Let’s table this conversation for now. I want to open my present.”

  She looked at the non-descript brown wrapper. “Um, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. Maybe we should do that another time.”

  “Oh no you don’t.” He brushed his lips over hers, smiling with satisfaction when her eyes drifted closed on a sigh. “You’ve kept me waitin’ long enough.” He jumped up and carefully tore the paper off his gift. “Oh wow,” he said, staring at it. “This is incredible.” It was a picture of him, in uniform, skating down the ice with a fierce look of determination on his face. It captured his love of the game, an emotion he always thought he’d concealed from onlookers. The fact that she captured the essence of his passion proved to him, yet again, how well she knew him.

  “Do you like it?” she asked, looking nervous and uncertain. “I started working on it last year…”

  He turned to face her. “You did this last year?”

  She seemed uncomfortable under the weight of his scrutiny. She cleared her throat, as though she was trying to find the confidence to voice her feelings. “I was at home alone one night, and I turned the TV on. There you were.” Their eyes bridged the space between them by conveying the depth of their feelings for each other. “I tried not to watch your games. It was just too painful.”

  He wanted to reach out and touch her, but he needed to hear what had prompted her to invest hours capturing him on her canvas so many years after they said their final good-bye. “But…?”

  “But I saw something in your eyes when I turned on the TV that night, something I didn’t want to forget.”

  “What was it?”

  “The look you had in your eye that night was the same look you had in your eye the last time we made love… that weekend in Vancouver. You were so fierce, so determined. You were trying to convince me that we’d find a way to make it work, that you loved me, only me, forever.”

  “I remember.”

  “I never thought I’d see that look again. Yet I turned on my TV and there it was. I knew I didn’t ever want to forget it.”

  He looked back at the painting, awestruck by the fact that she’d managed to portray all of the facets of his personality with every brush stroke. He saw the ferocity, the determination of the professional athlete the rest of the world saw, but somehow her artist’s eye had also depicted the fear and uncertainty that always lurked just beneath the surface. There were games when the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. He was their team captain and top goal scorer. His team counted on him to come through for them and the thousands of fans who spent their hard-earned money to cheer their team to victory counted on him, and he was always afraid of letting them down.

  “How did you know?” he whispered, knowing he wouldn’t have to explain the question to her. If he were being honest with himself, he’d admit that he couldn’t express in words what he didn’t understand himself. How could another person get inside of his head that way, read his expression as though he was voicing his thoughts aloud to the world?

  “Because I know you.” She came up behind him, settling her hand on his shoulder. “Just like you know me. That’s never going to change, Aiden. Like you said earlier, I get you in a way no one else ever has.”

  He stood up, settling his hands on her shoulders. He was almost afraid she would try to bolt when the fear of facing their future became too frightening to contem
plate. She’d done it once before, and he’d let her. He’d be damned if he made the same mistake again.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “I love you, Sela. Not because you were my first love, but because you’re my only love.” He brushed a strand of hair off her face with a smile. “If you ever, even for a second, question why I love you, all you have to do is look at that.” He turned to look at the life she’d breathed into the canvas. Her love for him was palpable, he could see it in her labor of love, and if ever he questioned whether the years apart and her marriage to another man dulled her feelings for him, he didn’t anymore.

  “Our connection is right there, sweetheart. You don’t have to be an artist to see it. Only one person could have gotten that so right… you… only you.”

  She looked at the painting a long time before she said, “I locked it in the closet of my home studio because I didn’t want Neil to see it. It felt like I was being unfaithful to him, painting you.” She shrugged. “I know it sounds silly, but it just seemed so intimate somehow.”

  “Knowin’ someone well enough to instinctively know what he’s thinkin’ and feelin’ is pretty damn intimate. You don’t have to be havin’ sex with someone to share a deep connection.” He stroked her cheek with his lips, skimming her back with his hands when she leaned into him. “We haven’t made love in years, yet I’ve never loved you more than I do right now.”

  She tipped her head back to look up at him as her arms circled his waist. “Do you really mean that?”

  “You tell me.” He looked her in the eye, daring her to look away. “You always did know when I wasn’t tellin’ you everything. So, tell me… Is there a doubt in your mind about how I feel about you?”

  She reached up, tentatively running her hands through his hair, grazing his cheek, and finally his lips, as though the artist in her wanted to commit this moment to memory so she could recreate it later in a work of art that would withstand the test of time and life’s trials. “I have no doubt.”

  When he couldn’t wait another second, he lowered his head at the same time he felt the floodgates open, and the passion they’d both tried to repress for years bore down on them. They were soon swept up in the hunger, trying to rid each other of clothes without breaking the intimate contact of tangled tongues and limbs.

  “I need you.” His confession prompted an explosion of will as he swept her up in his arms and sprinted up the stairs to his bedroom. Words would always fall short. He needed to show her why he couldn’t wait another minute to share his bed with her. “You make me feel alive, Sela. I’ve been goin’ through the motions for so many years. God, it feels so good just to feel alive again.” He dropped kisses on her neck as he kicked the door open with his foot.

  She pressed kisses to the chest she’d bared earlier as he settled her in the middle of his bed before coming down on top of her. “I know,” she whispered. “I feel the same way. I was so afraid I’d never feel this way again.”

  He couldn’t get the rest of her clothes off fast enough. He was so afraid this was like so many of the dreams he’d had before and he’d wake up only to realize she was just an illusion, a vision summoned by a desperate man who couldn’t let go of his first and only love.

  “I can’t believe this is really happenin’,” he whispered, standing back to admire her. He didn’t want to forget the way she looked in that moment, with reverence in her eyes and the promise of forever on her lips. “You’re my everything.”

  She tried to laugh, but it escaped her lips as a sob instead. “Stop it. You’re going to make me cry.”

  “Don’t cry,” he said, coming over her, bracing his forearms on either side of her head to support his weight. “No more tears, no more sadness. From now on, I just wanna make you happy. That’s the only thing that matters to me, makin’ you happy.”

  “I don’t know if I deserve you,” she said, reaching up to stroke his chest. “But I don’t care, ’cause I’m never gonna let you go again.”

  Aiden loved the conviction he heard in her voice. He needed to know that she was willing to fight as hard as he was, that nothing and no one was powerful enough to sever their union a second time. “That works both ways, just so you know.” He took her mouth in a fierce, possessive kiss. “You’re mine, from this day on, forever. I want you to know that.”

  She smiled. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  He cupped her breasts together in his hand, laving the sensitive skin with his tongue, worshipping her with his mouth. He knew a lifetime would never be enough time to satisfy his craving for her body, but he wouldn’t let a day pass when he didn’t thank God for the opportunity.

  “Aiden…” She arched into his hands as she raised her hands above her head. “God, I love the way you touch me…”

  He eased his hand between them, reveling in the evidence of her arousal as he slid two digits inside of her. He continued to lash her heated skin with his tongue, wishing he had the self-control to take his time tonight. But he’d waited for this night for so many days, weeks, months, years… If he pressed for more time, his control was bound to snap under the pressure of delaying the gratification he so desperately needed. Hurriedly sheathing himself, he never took his eyes off her.

  “Please,” she whimpered, obviously as close to the edge of bliss as he was. “I need to feel you…” She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “I need to be a part of you again.”

  “You’ve always been a part of me, baby. Don’t you know that? Every second of every day.” He placed her hand over his pounding heart. “I kept you right there.” He lifted her hand to his head, pressing her fingers to his temple as he kissed her palm. “And right there. You’ve owned me since the first day you dropped your books in that tenth grade chemistry class, remember?”

  She smiled. “How could I forget?”

  “How could I forget?” he whispered. “How could you expect me to forget?” He slid inside of her, never letting his eyes drift from hers as he filled her to the brink, watching with intense satisfaction as she forced herself to relax so she could accommodate him. Just like in the old days. He was finally home, in the arms of the woman he loved, sharing her body, free to build his dreams around her.

  She closed her eyes as she reached for his hands. With their hands linked, she whispered, “I love you… so much.”

  Aiden tipped his head back, allowing his body to find a natural rhythm as her words found their way into his heart. He thought it was intense between them before, but that was nothing compared to this. She sneaked under his skin, becoming as integral as his next breath. “I love you. God, you have no idea how much I love you.”

  “Oh…” Her breathing became labored as she squeezed her eyes shut. “Don’t stop… please.”

  He watched her come apart, as awestruck as the first time he’d watched her surrender her body to him. He’d been all over the world, been blessed to see so many beautiful sights, even bedded his fair share of women in an attempt to obliterate her memory, but nothing compared to the sight of her lying beneath him, clenching him in her tight heat with words of love falling from her lips. It was his version of heaven on earth, and he knew he couldn’t spend another day without her in his life.

  Sela opened her eyes and trapped him in her erotic maze, where the only way out was through a mind-numbing climax. “Come with me,” she whispered, licking her lips.

  He could still feel her throbbing, silently taunting and teasing him, using her power, knowing hers was the only body he’d ever been powerless to resist. “You’re killin’ me here, baby.” He wanted this to last, to make it memorable for her, but his control was slipping... “Jesus, don’t…” She clenched him, taking him to places he’d never been and wasn’t sure he ever wanted to return from. “Ah, God, yes…” His last rational thought was that he hoped like hell she was right there with him, soaring, freefalling… ready to land in his waiting arms.

  Sela settled into Aiden’s arms, using his hard chest as a pillow as she
burrowed beneath the down-filled duvet covering them. “Wow, I’m not even going to ask who you’ve practiced with all these years.” She tried to make light of it, but thinking of him sharing his bed with other women still hurt. He was a gorgeous, wealthy, single, professional athlete. She wasn’t naïve enough to believe he’d been content to fall asleep alone every night.

  Tracing the path of hair below his waist, she found the courage to ask, “Have there been a lot of women?”

  He shrugged. “Sure, some.”

  “Any of them make you think about settling down?” She didn’t know why she was torturing herself this way, but for some reason, it seemed important that they share everything, the good, the bad, and the painful. When he didn’t respond, she said, “You don’t have to answer that. I’m sorry if I overstepped.”

  Aiden kissed the top of her head. “Don’t you know by now there’s nothin’ you can’t ask me?” He traced circles on her back, making her tremble. “Had I ever thought about proposin’ to any of them? No. Have I thought about gettin’ married? Sure. I don’t wanna be alone forever. Like you, I was lucky enough to have two parents who loved each other, who were always there to support each other. I want what they have.”

  She sighed and he pulled back to look at her. “You gonna tell me what that’s all about?”

  “I’m going through a divorce. I can’t even think about getting married again. I need time.” She knew they’d already wasted so much time, but if she ever walked down the aisle again, she wanted it to be the last time.

  “Don’t even think about comparin’ what you had with him to what you have with me, Sela.”

  She could feel the tension in his body, and the last thing she wanted was to upset him after the night they’d shared. But allowing him to believe she was ready for something she wasn’t wouldn’t be fair. “I need to be by myself for a while.”

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “It’s not that I don’t want a relationship with you. Obviously, I do, but I’m not ready for anything serious.” Thinking fast when her brain was reduced to mush, courtesy of two intense orgasms, wasn’t easy, but she knew if she didn’t do some damage control, she risked creating a rift she didn’t want between them. “Please, try to understand. I was a kid when I married Neil. I’ve never been on my own, not really. I just need a little time by myself, so I know that I can take care of myself.”