Cheap Shot Page 21

  “Hardly,” Jaxon muttered. At the moment, he felt as if he was drowning. It was hard to believe his mother, who’d never once said she was proud of him, had acknowledged his accomplishments.

  “She couldn’t believe you were still willing to take care of her after everything that happened between y’all. She said you were a good son, that you’d be a good husband and father someday.”

  Jaxon looked at his left hand. There should be a diamond band there, the one Sela had made for him to represent her love and devotion. “I’m not so sure I’ll ever get the chance now.”

  “Today was supposed to be your wedding day, wasn’t it?” Fred said quietly.

  “Yes.” Jaxon tipped his head back, closing his eyes. He still couldn’t believe he’d been stupid enough to walk out on Sela without an explanation on the biggest day of their lives. “How did you know that?”

  “I overheard Violet and some of the girls talking about it. They were debating whether they should wait to call you. They didn’t want to ruin your wedding.”

  Jaxon wondered if he would have preferred that. No. He’d needed to see his mother. “I left before the ceremony without saying a word to my bride. How could I do that?” He thought of how he’d felt when he got the news. He just hadn’t been able to stay there another minute, not even for Sela.

  “People do crazy things when they’re grief-stricken, son,” Fred said, gripping Jaxon’s knee. “If your lady loves you, she’ll understand.”

  “She’s already had to understand and accept too much. This might be the last straw.” He squeezed his eyes shut, knowing that bench wasn’t the place to fall apart. He would have time for that later. “I should have told her what had happened, given her the opportunity to come with me or at least told her I’d be back, that I loved her, that…” He didn’t know what he should have said, only that he should have said something. Running away like that was so wrong.

  “Looks like you’re getting another chance,” Fred said, smiling.

  The air got trapped in Jaxon’s lungs when he saw the vision walking toward them. He’d imagined what Sela would look like in her wedding gown, but nothing could have prepared him for the reality. With the sun shining down on her, her trailing gown glistened it as it caught the light. Her flawless face looked pained and uncertain, and it took everything in him to stay seated. He wanted to go to her, hit the ground, and beg forgiveness. Again. But he waited for her to come to him, to tell him his fate.

  Fred stood. “I’ll let you two talk. Don’t be a stranger, Jaxon. If you ever need an old-timer’s take on things, you know where to find me.”

  “Thanks.” Jaxon couldn’t think about Fred or his offer while Sela was approaching him. His throat was dry, his pulse racing as he waited for her to tell him whether this was good-bye.

  She sat beside him, shifting her dress so it fanned out around her feet. “I’m sorry about your mother, Jax.”

  “Thanks.” He wanted to reach for her hand, but he was scared she would pull away.

  “Why didn’t you tell me what happened? I would have come with you.”

  “I know you would have.” His voice broke as he lowered his head. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you again. What’s wrong with me?” He leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. “Why do I keep doing this? You’re the last person I want to hurt, but it’s like I can’t help myself.”

  “The only reason I’m hurt is because you didn’t come to me when you were in pain.”

  He was the runner. She was the fighter. In so many ways, she was so much stronger, so much more courageous than he was. Forcing the heels of his hands into his burning eyes, he said, “I don’t know why I left like that. I just had to get out of there. I had to see her one more time before they took her away.”

  “And did you?” she asked gently.

  She hadn’t touched him yet. God, he needed to feel her hands, to reassure him that she didn’t hate him. “Yeah, I did.”

  “I saw you talking to someone. Who was he?”

  “My mother’s friend, Fred.” Jaxon held out the envelope. “He gave me this. He said it was from my mother.”

  “A letter?”

  “I guess so.”

  “Would you like to be alone to read it?”

  “I can’t.” It killed him that she was acting like a polite stranger. She should be his wife. She would be his wife if he hadn’t screwed up everything. Again.

  “You can’t read it, or you can’t do it alone?”

  “Both.” He held it out to her, praying she was strong enough to do what he couldn’t. “Would you?”

  “Of course.” She reached for the letter, her hand never touching his. She opened the envelope slowly and carefully, as though she expected something precious to fall out. She cleared her throat. “‘Dear Jaxon.’”

  Jaxon watched Sela’s hands tremble as her beautiful, expressive eyes scanned the page. She was as nervous as he was. What would the single page contain? Secrets? More pain? Or the ultimate gift of closure and peace?

  “‘The saying ‘too little, too late’ has never been more apropos. I should have said these things to you years ago, but like you, I’ve always had trouble expressing my feelings, especially to those who mean the most to me. And you, my son, mean more to me than anyone. You were the reason I didn’t check out years ago.’”

  Jaxon saw his mother’s face in his mind. Her sad, lifeless eyes. He pictured her curled up on the couch when he was a kid, wearing a tattered bathrobe, her eyes swollen as if she’d been crying all night and barely had the energy to drag herself out of bed. He wondered if that was what she’d been thinking about then, just checking out, like his father had. At least she’d stayed for his sake. She hadn’t abandoned him, hadn’t allowed him to end up in the system.

  He hadn’t realized Sela’s eyes were fixed on him until she asked, “Are you ready to hear more?”

  “Yes.”

  She bit her lip before continuing, as though she was trying to separate her own emotions from the words she was reading. “‘You were always so strong, so independent. You never needed me, not really. You never needed anyone. When your father died, I know a part of you did too. You stopped being a child, stopped looking for ways to have fun. You became so focused on your schoolwork and being the best you could be.’” Sela turned to look at him as though she questioned whether she really knew him at all.

  “What?” he asked.

  “You never told me that. Why do I feel like there’s so much you haven’t told me?”

  Oh, God. Don’t let her start questioning me, us. I need her like I’ve never needed her before. “I don’t like to think about that time in my life.” He didn’t mean to sound defensive, but he could feel himself shutting down even though his biggest fear was shutting her out and losing her.

  Without responding, Sela turned her attention back to the letter. “‘I know I wasn’t the mother you needed. I’m sorry for that, but I was the best mother I was capable of being. I did my best to care for you until you could care for yourself. I know I fell short more than I exceeded your expectations, but life isn’t always about striving for perfection, Jaxon. Sometimes it’s just about figuring out a way to survive.’

  “‘Whether you believe it or not, I did love your father, and losing him was hard for me too. I won’t try to compare your loss to mine. He was your hero. You needed him, and he left you. I’m sorry if I said or did anything to contribute to that. Believe me, that was never my intent.”

  Jaxon leaned forward, closing his eyes against the bright sun. “This is too much to process, today of all days.” He needed to feel his lover’s touch letting him know that everything would be okay. He needed her to show him that they would be okay, and he was asking for comfort the only way he knew how.

  “There’s just a bit more,” she said softly. “I think you should hear this. It’s important.”

  No! What was important was their wedding. He shouldn’t have come to the nursing home trying to r
ewrite the past. He should have stayed with Sela, celebrating their present and planning for their future. He couldn’t bring his mother back any more than he could change the relationship they’d had, but he could alter his life with Sela. He could be the husband she needed… if she was still willing to give him a chance.

  “‘I should have told you this a million times.’”

  Jaxon wasn’t sure he wanted to hear any more. What he wanted was to ask Sela if it was too late. If they hurried back to the church, could they still catch the preacher? Could Sela look beyond his mistakes and marry him anyway?

  “‘I love you. I’m proud of the boy you were and the man you are. No mother could have asked for a better son. You were there for me even when I didn’t deserve it. Thank you for that, and please, don’t cry for me today.’”

  It wasn’t until Sela read those words that Jaxon realized he had been doing just that. He was crying for the time he’d lost with his parents, the time he’d lost with Sela, and all of his mistakes. He was crying because he’d fallen short and disappointed the one woman he’d always wanted to please.

  Sela placed her hand on his back, rubbing softly as she finished the letter. “‘Just remember one single moment of happiness we shared. I want that to be the memory you hold on to. Love, Mama.’” She leaned forward, wrapping her arm around his shoulder. “It’s a beautiful letter, Jaxon. Thank you for sharing it with me.”

  He wiped his eyes, ashamed of his show of emotion. He’d never been a crier, not even when he’d found his father’s lifeless body. He gripped her hand and kissed it. “I’m so sorry I left today. I was an idiot. Again.”

  “No, you weren’t. You did what anyone would have done.”

  “You mean you’re not mad at me for leaving like that?”

  She shrugged. “It would have been nice if you’d come to me first and told me what had happened. I would’ve liked to have been here for you. But I recognized what you were doing. That’s why I came to you.”

  “What do you mean?” he asked, looking at her over his shoulder. “What did you think I was doing?”

  “You were trying to go it alone, just like you always do. But that’s not gonna work anymore. We’re a team now.”

  He kissed her palm, wishing he wasn’t so inept at finding the right words when he needed them most. “You mean you still want to marry me, even after what I did?”

  “That depends. Do you still want to marry me?”

  “I don’t blame you for asking me that, Sela, but honestly, you’re my life.”

  She smiled. “I feel the same way.” She touched his face, wiping away his tears. “I’m so sorry about your mama, honey. I wish I could have known her better.”

  “I wish I could have too.”

  “It seems neither of us had the best role models. We’ll have to work that much harder to make sure we don’t make the same mistakes with our kids.”

  Our kids. Jaxon couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard sweeter words. “You really trust me to father your children? Aren’t you afraid I’ll screw everything up?”

  She shook her head. “You’ll be a great dad. I have no doubt.”

  “And that’s why I love you so much.” He kissed her, tasting her lips the way he’d been dying to since she sat down. “Because you have way more faith in me than I have in myself.”

  She touched her forehead to his, heedless of the hairstyle and makeup that must have taken hours to perfect. “My job is to build you up even when you tear yourself down. But it’s not one I enjoy, so don’t make a habit of testing me, okay?”

  He smirked, kissing her again. “Marry me, baby. Right now. Today.”

  Sela shook her head. “Not today. This day will always be associated with sadness because of your mother’s passing. I want our day to be ours alone, a day that’s filled with positive energy.” She traced his lower lip with her thumb. “Besides, we have to make the arrangements for your mother’s service. That should be our only priority now.”

  He felt as though he’d already waited forever to make her his wife, and he didn’t want to wait any longer. “When can we get married?”

  “Soon. It doesn’t have to be the big church wedding we planned. Maybe it can be a destination wedding, somewhere beautiful and tropical. We can just hop on a plane with a few dozen people who are closest to us.”

  “I like the sound of that,” he murmured, wrapping his hand around her neck and pulling her closer. “That sounds like something we could pull off next week.”

  She grinned. “Do you realize what next Friday is?”

  He’d been so focused on their wedding date, he’d thought of little else. “No. Why? Should I?”

  “It’s the anniversary of our first date.”

  Their anniversary, which also marked the day he’d broken up with her. “I, uh, don’t know if we should celebrate that day.”

  She ran her fingers over his cropped hair. “Declaring your love for me to the world on the same day you couldn’t even tell me how you felt? I’d say that’s coming full circle, wouldn’t you?”

  “You’re right.” He kissed her intensely, getting lost in the moment and forgetting about those that had come before. “It’s perfect. We’ll do it next Friday. You pick the place. We’ll take the jet and… Baby, are you sure you aren’t upset about not getting the big wedding you’ve always dreamed of?”

  “Are you kidding? I’m marrying the man of my dreams. That’s enough for me.”

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