Dirty Mind (Nashville Outlaws #2) Page 9

  “Then what’s stopping you?”

  “Are you sure?”

  I didn’t even hesitate when I said, “Yes.” I was acting on instinct, trusting myself to make the right decision.

  He reached for my hand and pulled me to my feet before claiming my spot on the bench.

  The large shower was hot and steamy, and it felt like I was lost in this hazy mist, living a dream.

  He gripped my waist and guided me down carefully, so I was straddling him. Wrapping his arms around me, he whispered in my ear, “This feels surreal, being with you like this.”

  He thought it felt surreal? This was the guy whose sexy mug was plastered all over my walls for years. But I wasn’t with Dade Jarvis the musician right now. I was with the man. Broken and vulnerable. Scared and confused. Strong and sure. Confident and bold. He was all of those things. And I was so crazy about him because of all of those facets. Had he been an arrogant ass, I wouldn’t have given him another thought. But he was real, honest, open, and vulnerable with me and I loved that.

  “For me too,” I said, smiling against his lips.

  He curved his hands possessively around my hips, elevating me just enough to take him.

  There was a grip bar above his head, and I curled both hands around the cool surface for leverage as I sank down slowly, savouring every second as he impaled me. My eyes drifted closed and I held my body still, adjusting to him when he was finally fully seated. There was a sense of fulfillment during moments like this with Dade that I’d never experienced with another man. It felt like his body was made for mine and my heart knew it.

  “So good,” he murmured in my ear, sucking in a breath. “You feel so right.”

  So right. Those words echoed in my head as his hands rocked my hips and my body started to move of its own violation. Driven by the deep desire to give and take pleasure.

  He tangled his hands in my hair, holding me still for a kiss that cracked the part of me that had been afraid to let go… wide open. We poured everything into that kiss, intimate whispers, past hurts, fear, and shame. It was healing, like we were forging an intimate connection without words that nothing could breach. At least that’s the way it felt for me. I could only hope he felt it too.

  I rocked against him, letting my teeth trail over his shoulder as he whispered in my ear.

  “I needed you.” He was holding me tight, like he never wanted to let go when he said, “I needed this, baby.”

  I loved sex, but I could live without it between relationships. Even if that meant a year or more, as it had been between my last ex and Dade. But after an experience like this, with him, I had a whole new appreciation for intimacy.

  “I need you too.”

  He held my face between his hands, looking into my eyes. “Do you mean that?”

  God, his scars ran so deep. His trust issues painful to see. I didn’t know if I could be the one to help him heal, but in this moment, I wanted to try. “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.” I wasn’t used to be so open, so soon, but Dade made it easy to be honest because his emotions were on full display too.

  “Charli…”

  He buried his face in my neck as he picked me up and backed me into a wall. His weight was pinning me, securing me, as he drove into me at the perfect angle, while hooking my leg over his arm.

  My eyes were closing when he tipped my head back. “Let me watch you. I want to see what I’m doing to you. Don’t hold back, sweetheart. Don’t hide anything from me. No secrets. No lies. Not between us.”

  It hurt to know that he was comparing this to what he’d shared with other women, but I supposed a battered heart couldn’t help judging.

  His body was claiming mine, a little more with every deep stroke, until I was pretty sure this man could own me. “Do you see it?” I whispered, daring him to look. “My truth?” I moaned when he drove harder, like my words were testing his control. “Do you see me, Dade?” I was breathless, on the verge of the best kind of ruin, but I wouldn’t let go until he did. “Not everyone who’s ever tried to destroy you? But me?”

  His thrusts were vicious now and I knew I’d unleashed a beast. I wasn’t scared though. I felt all of his pent-up frustration and rage in the powerful muscles pinning me and I wanted to absorb all of it.

  “We’re the only two people in this room right now.” I cried out when my release washed over me in waves and he continued to hit just the right spot relentlessly. “No room for ghosts.”

  “Goddammit, Charli!” His voice was laced with frenzy and fury as he slapped the tile wall beside my head, swearing repeatedly.

  I might have been terrified had another man come undone like this during sex, but something told me this was the breakthrough he needed, and I was glad I’d been the one to help him get there.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, holding me tight when his body went lax. “Damn it, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose it like that—”

  “Don’t apologize.” I looked into his eyes, letting him know I wasn’t scared or appalled. I understood that all of these negative emotions had to break free… before he could be free. “It’s okay.” I kissed him tenderly. “I promise, it’s okay.”

  He shuddered before shaking his head. “You finish up in here, beautiful. I just need a minute.”

  Chapter 8

  Dade

  I couldn’t believe I’d lost it like that. I’d been swearing, pounding the tile beside her head while unleashing on her, and after my meltdown, she… held me. Kissed me. Looked me in the eye like I wasn’t some kind of monster, but a man who just needed her. And goddamn did I need this woman.

  I dropped my head into my hands. What the hell was happening to me? I couldn’t be falling for Charli. That would be the worst mistake I could possibly make. She was the little sister and sister-in-law of two of my best friends. I didn’t want to lose Knox and Cece. And I sure as hell didn’t want to hurt this sweet woman who’d just bared her soul to me.

  “Hey.”

  She was standing between my bedroom and bathroom while I sat in an armchair in the sitting room of my bedroom, trying to unscramble the messed-up thoughts tangling my mind.

  “Hey.” I could barely look at her. She was so beautiful. So strong and sexy and smart. The kind of woman I would have given my first million to marry the first time around. “I’m sorry about—”

  She held up her hand to silence me, her eyes telling me that I’d hurt her by trying to apologize again. “No more. Please. No more apologizes, no more regrets, no more recriminations.” She shook her head. “I get it, Dade. I do. Every time we’ve been together, it’s like you’ve been unleashing this beast inside of you. It’s okay. I’m the first woman you’ve been with since your ex. Naturally you still have some issues and some of them can only be worked through… during sex.”

  I hated that I still had so much rage inside of me, but she was right, it came out with her. During intimate moments. Maybe because I was so angry that my past meant I could never be the man she needed. I could never be the man she needed. That possibility unfurled a burning tension inside of me that spiralled until I was practically seething.

  She walked toward me, dropping to her knees in front of me. “Tell me what you’re thinking. No holding back.”

  My gut was trembling as I imagined my future. Alone. In this empty house. No one to talk to. I glanced at my big bed, the indent of my body on one side. Pristine on the other. Is that the way it would always be? Sleeping in half a bed. Using half a house. Living half a life?

  “I can’t be the man you need, Charli.” My voice was raspy and the admission felt like shattered glass inching through my throat. “I’m so wrong for you. In every way.”

  She was so young, innocent in so many ways. So many hopes and dreams, with her whole life ahead of her. I couldn’t let her get stuck in my chaos.

  “You really believe that?” She was searching my eyes, trying to read me. “Because if you do, I need to know. I promised myself I wouldn’t waste any
more time trying to change a man who didn’t want to change. I’ve wasted too many years doing that.”

  My heart felt like it was twisting painfully. I looked at her and saw so much potential. So much raw honesty and authenticity. Like she said earlier, I saw everything I’d ever wanted in her… but could never have.

  I didn’t have it in me to do this again. To try and fail. To announce to the world that I’d found the love of my life only to watch it reduced to ashes months later.

  I clasped her hands in mine. “Please try to understand,” I said, kissing her hands. “This thing between us feels good. So good. Right now. But what about six months or a year from now, when real life sets in and you realize you don’t want to be married to a ghost?”

  “What?” She frowned, looking at me like I was crazy. “Did someone tell you that, that being married to you was—”

  “Like living with a ghost.” My first wife. I could still hear her sobbing, throwing things around our bedroom as she had a complete meltdown and claimed I was driving her crazy because I was so self-absorbed. Music was the only thing I cared about, she said. I was blind to the hell she was going through. Maybe she was right. Maybe I had been selfish, but I’d grown up a lot since then and wouldn’t do to Charli what I’d done to her.

  “I don’t pretend to know what happened in your previous relationships,” she said, softly. “But I’m sure there was plenty of blame to go around. Maybe you just weren’t right for each other and—”

  “Three women,” I reminded her, releasing her hands. “Three different women. All wrong for me? Maybe I’m the problem.” I inched back on the chair, trying to put some distance between us. “And I don’t want to be your problem.”

  She looked over her shoulder, into the bathroom we’d just vacated. “So, let me guess, you think that was a mistake too, right?”

  I closed my eyes, wondering how I got so messed up that I could waver between needing this gorgeous girl more than my next breath and wishing I’d never met her.

  “Don’t answer that,” she said, standing. “I can’t stand to hear it again.”

  She was making her way out of the room and I knew she was probably less than a minute away from ordering an Uber to take her as far away from me as she could get.

  “Charli, stay.” I sounded desperate, and maybe I was. Desperate for her warmth, her compassion, for someone to look at me the way she did. That probably made me as selfish as all of my exes claimed I was, but if I was already going to hell, I may as well steal as much time as I could with this woman first. As long as I kept it zipped from now on maybe we could work together without me causing more damage. “Please. My job offer stands. I need your help.”

  “You need my help,” she echoed, turning to face me. “You’re right. You do. Question is, will you accept it?”

  After I’d had another quick shower to collect myself, I made my way downstairs, expecting what I found. A spotless, empty kitchen. And no Charli.

  “Damn,” I whispered, wandering to the bank of windows in the kitchen. It wasn’t supposed to hurt this much, I reasoned. I didn’t know her well enough to feel this sense of… loss. But it had felt the same way when she’d left me in that old farmhouse. I’d tortured myself with thoughts of her the entire flight home. Found an excuse to go after her. But I couldn’t continue going after her, couldn’t keep hurting her like this. I’d let her know the job offer stood, but she clearly couldn’t stand to be around me, and I had to accept that.

  I was just about to fire off a text to my head of security to ask that someone shadow Charli to keep the rag reporters at bay, when I saw her walking up the stone path from the guest house.

  She was still here. She hadn’t left. My reaction was visceral as I watched her walking through my world, like she belonged here. My heart was battering my chest, my hands curled into fists as I wrestled the urge to haul her back into my arms as soon as she stepped through the door.

  Charli opened the door leading from the back deck to the kitchen. Her smile was soft, her eyes wary, when she looked at me. “I saw a key for the guest house,” she said, gesturing to a glass bowl on the counter. “I hope you don’t mind, but I took my things down there. You said you wanted me to stay, to work for you, are you sure?”

  I nodded, unable to get the words out.

  “Okay.” She rubbed her hands on her bare thighs. She’d changed into short black shorts, a sleeveless denim shirt tied in the front, and flip flops. “I hope you don’t expect professional attire, since we’re working from home today, right?”

  I nodded again, clearing my throat to find my voice. “Whatever you want to wear is fine.” An image of her standing outside my shower wearing nothing at all flashed through my mind, but I had to shut that shit down if we were going to be working together. “Um, I have a song writing session with a couple of friends this afternoon.” Which would be the reprieve I needed to get the hell out of this house and get my head together, I hoped. “But we can go into my office and get you set up before I go.”

  “Sounds good.” She hooked a finger over her shoulder. “Will I need to grab my laptop first?”

  “No, there are two desks set up in there and an extra computer.” At her questioning look, I said, “My last assistant worked from my home office too. Just made it easier for both of us.”

  “I see.”

  “There was nothing between us.” Jesus, why had I volunteered that? She hadn’t asked, but I wanted her to know I’d never screwed around with anyone who worked for me before. “She was older. Married with a couple of kids.”

  She frowned, like she was trying to make sense of that admission. “Okay.”

  I raked a hand through my hair. “Look, we can’t pretend this is… normal. Like you’re just some new employee my team hired for me. We’ve had sex and—”

  “And you want to forget it happened,” she said, raising her hand. “I get it. Say no more. It’s forgotten. Can we get down to work now?”

  She was gutting me with her indifference, but I deserved it. She probably felt like I was jerking her around, wavering between wanting her and swearing her off. “I’m sorry I—”

  “Do. Not,” she said, anger sparking her jade eyes. “Apologize. Again.”

  “Fine,” I bit off, trying to figure out how the hell to navigate this new landmine I’d created. “Let’s head into the office then.”

  “Lead the way.”

  I walked into my office. It was neat and tidy, thanks to my housekeeper, but I still felt unsettled, like I didn’t know how or where to start. “Have a seat,” I said, gesturing to the second mahogany desk tucked into a corner beneath a bay window, facing the backyard.

  She sat down in the swivel chair, pressing on the side handle. She lowered it a few inches to accommodate the height difference between herself and my last assistant. “Where would you like to start, Dade?”

  I stood there like an idiot, staring at her, trying to wipe the image of that goddamn shower scene out of my mind. “Um, why don’t you fire up the computer? I’ll print off the passwords you’ll need, my schedule for the upcoming year, and we can create a to-do list around each of the events.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “Uh, we should probably go through my email too,” I said, watching her fire up the computer. “Professional, not personal. It’s been re-directed to my label, since I’ve been without an assistant, but I’ll let them know they don’t have to do that anymore.”

  “Okay.”

  She wasn’t being abrasive, though I could feel an undercurrent of annoyance and I couldn’t blame her after the stunt I’d pulled. Luring her back in, only to panic and push her away again. What the hell was wrong with me?

  “I’m just gonna grab us a couple of waters. You want anything else?”

  “No, thanks.”

  Cool professionalism, that’s probably what I could expect from her from now on. It should be a relief, but her detachment felt like a gut-punch. I didn’t want this woman to be cool and
detached with me. I wanted her to be warm and open, to hold me and kiss me and…

  But I couldn’t have that. I’d drawn the line and I had to make damn sure I didn’t cross it again. For Charli’s sake.

  By the time I returned with a couple of bottles of water she was waiting for me as she fired off a text. “I have a gig at Jimmy’s tonight,” she said. “With Max and a couple of friends. Their singer has bronchitis and they didn’t want to cancel.”

  I nodded like an idiot, not sure what to say. She was going to be spending the evening entertaining a bunch of rowdy drunks who’d no doubt hit on her, alongside the man who’d made no secret of the fact he wanted to date her. And I was jealous as hell, even though I had no right to be.

  “But I can work ‘til seven,” she said, glancing at the time on her phone. “To make up for the fact we’re getting a late start today.”

  We were getting a late start because I’d been pinning her to the wall, pounding her like a maniac, and she acted like we were getting a late start because of a goddamn flat tire or dental appointment.

  “Is that a problem?” she asked, looking at me when I hadn’t said a word.

  “No.” Yes. I wanted to take her out for dinner tonight, to wine and dine her, like I would have if I wasn’t so… messed up. I wanted to spend endless hours learning everything about her over her favorite bottle of wine, hold her in my arms and dance to her favorite song, hear her sing for a crowd the way she’d sung for me, but I couldn’t do any of that, and it was killing me.

  “Good.” She set her phone aside and said, “If you can just get me the passwords I need, we can get started. I imagine we have a lot of ground to cover, since you’ve been without an assistant so long.”

  I set the bottle of water on her desk and she muttered a thanks before I claimed the seat beside my desk so I could produce the information she needed.

  “About social media,” I said, glancing at her. “Are you comfortable managing my accounts?”