Trade Off Read online

“No, I’m good, thanks.” He couldn’t help but smile. “When did we get so grown up, huh?”

  Neil chuckled. “I don’t know. I gotta admit, I’ve imagined what we’d say to each other if we were stuck in the same room together, but beverages never made the list.”

  “Oh yeah? What did?” Aiden held his breath as he gave his old friend an opening. He wanted to know what he’d been thinking, what motivated him to make the choices he made, and whether he even considered what it might do to him or their friendship.

  Neil sank into an oversized armchair and propped his feet up on the ottoman. “Honestly, I’ve gone back and forth between feelin’ guilty and hatin’ your guts.”

  Aiden sat on the couch across from him, linked his hands, and leaned forward. “Why’d you feel guilty?”

  “You know why.” He rubbed the towel over his face. “I did a pretty shitty thing, marryin’ your girl first chance I got.”

  “So, why’d you do it?”

  Neil shrugged. “She needed me. I needed her.”

  “Did you ever stop to think about what it would do to me?”

  Neil looked at him a long time before he responded. “You were the closest thing to family I ever had. You know that?”

  The years flew by in a whirl of memories as Aiden remembered them as eight-year-old boys playing street hockey until his mom called them in for dinner, and then the later years as they fought for a spot on the best hockey teams, competing to be the best, but never forgetting their friendship came first. “Man, what the hell happened to us?”

  “Your talent came between us. I’m ashamed to admit it, but it’s true.” Neil’s eyes lingered at a framed photo of he and Sela on the mantle. “I wanted to be you. You had this awesome family who’d do anything to help you succeed, you were a good student, all the teachers loved you, you were popular…” He sighed. “I could live with all that, but when it became obvious you were gonna make it and I might get left behind, I didn’t know how to cope with that.”

  “But you didn’t get left behind. You made it, too.”

  “Yeah.” He linked his hands behind his head. “But I’m a goon. We all know it.”

  “Don’t say shit like that, Michaels. You’re a talented defenseman. Any team would be lucky to have you in their line-up.”

  He smirked. “You almost sound like you mean that.”

  “I do, asshole.” Aiden grinned. “So, quit feelin’ sorry for yourself.”

  “I’m not, but you asked what happened between us. That’s what happened.” He looked down at his wedding band. “Hockey was the only thing I ever had in my miserable life, ya know? My mom didn’t give a shit about me, I didn’t know my old man, my grades sucked…” He slipped the ring on and off. “If I hadn’t made it, I’d probably be workin’ in a factory now, punchin’ a clock and countin’ down the hours ‘til the weekend.”

  “You don’t know that. None of us know what would have happened…”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Of all the things Aiden had expected him to say, that wouldn’t even have made the list. “For what?”

  “Where do I begin? With the fact that I was a shitty excuse for a friend?”

  “No, you weren’t. You always had my back.”

  “I loved you like a brother, but a part of me hated you too, ’cause you had so much and I had nothin’.”

  “Is that why you took Sela from me?”

  They looked at each other a long time before Neil said, “I never took her from you, not really. She may live in my house and share my bed, but her heart belongs to you. After a few years, I had to face facts. That’s when I started seein’ other women.”

  “You son of a bitch! You mean to tell me you were married to a woman I would’ve given my right arm to call my wife and you are dumb enough to cheat on her?” Aiden knew letting his rage get the better of him was the worst course of action, but when he thought about someone, anyone, hurting or betraying Sela, it made him see red.

  “It may seem black and white from where you’re sittin’, Coop, but trust me, it wasn’t. It was lonely as hell bein’ married to her, but I knew I’d be even lonelier without her, so whenever she talked about leavin’, I guilted her into stayin’.”

  “Why the hell would you wanna be with someone who didn’t wanna be with you?”

  “Man, what woman in her right mind would wanna be with me?”

  Aiden’s conscience wouldn’t allow him to ignore that comment. “Man, you’re too hard on yourself. Always were. You’re a professional hockey player, for Christ’s sake. How many people can say that?”

  “Yeah, a professional hockey player with anger management issues who’s always one drink away from gettin’ behind the wheel and endin’ it all.”

  Dread and fear began to take hold as Aiden tried to deny what he knew to be the truth. “Are you tryin’ to tell me you’re suicidal?”

  “I’m not gonna lie to you, I’ve thought about endin’ it from time to time.” He drew a shaky breath. “Lately, I’ve thought about it a lot.”

  Aiden didn’t know what to say, so he remained silent, hoping Neil would tell him he was kidding or, at the very least, overdramatizing.

  “Man, this is crazy. I’ve never told anyone this.” A ghost of a smile passed his lips. “But then I always told you shit I couldn’t tell anyone else, so maybe it’s not so crazy.” He leaned forward, propped his elbows on his knees, and covered his mouth with his hand before he said, “I hate that I messed up your life, yours and Sela’s. I never meant to bring you guys down with me.”

  He’d never expected to hear those words from Neil, and now that he was, he was afraid his motive to unburden himself may be a cry for help. “Sela made her own choices, so did I.” Aiden realized it was true. He’d spent the better part of the last decade making Neil out to be the bad guy because he needed to direct his anger at someone, but it wasn’t Neil’s fault. He’d been hoping to find safety, security, love… “I don’t blame you, not anymore.”

  “Thanks, I appreciate that.”

  “What’s the plan now? Is Sela movin’ to L.A. with you?” He didn’t want to lose her again, but he knew his life wouldn’t end without her. He couldn’t say the same for Neil.

  “Nah, she’ll probably stay here. Our marriage was over a long time ago, but I kept tryin’ to hold on. When I heard you were movin’ back, I knew it was only a matter of time before you guys sorted things out.”

  Aiden couldn’t take pleasure in Neil’s pain. In spite of the years of bad blood, they’d had more good years than bad and he couldn’t forget those now when the other man looked so dejected. “What does that mean for you? Are you gonna be okay?”

  “What do you care?”

  “I know I shouldn’t, but I do.”

  “You always were that guy, Coop. The one who made the rest of us look bad.” He tried to laugh, but it escaped as a croak instead. “I guess that’s why Sela loved you and not me, huh?”

  “I know I should hate you… I should take some perverse pleasure in seein’ you suffer, but I can’t. I hate that we let a woman destroy our friendship, even if that woman is the love of my life.”

  Neil raised an eyebrow. “You still feel that way about her, huh?”

  “Yeah, I do. Does that bother you?” Aiden held his breath as he waited for Neil’s reaction. He came here because he knew it was time for brutal honesty, but he knew his adversary could strike without a moment’s notice, especially when he felt cornered. He needed to be ready for the possible backlash, physically and emotionally. He realized, as he sat there waiting, he didn’t want to fight with Neil anymore. He didn’t want to assign blame or hold on to the pain or hurt he’d worn around like a second skin. He just wanted to let it go so they could all figure out how to move on with their lives.

  “I thought it would, but…” His eyes were fixed on a pattern in the Persian rug at his feet when he said, “I haven’t been able to summon the energy to care about much of anything lately.”

  “
Have you talked to the team doctor about it?”

  “Are you kiddin’? You know what it’s like, man, any reason to bench you, and they’re all over it.”

  Aiden had played on a professional team for too long to insult him by denying the claim. They all lived with the daily threat of younger, more talented players trying to steal their spot, not to mention the risk of injury. In spite of Aiden’s attempts to bolster his spirits, the reality was that, unlike Aiden, Neil was one of the dispensable players. Any hint of trouble, physically or mentally, and they would force him to take a leave until he was well enough to play again. If that day ever came.

  “You’re not even gonna try to deny it, are you?” Neil smirked. “Thanks for not blowin’ smoke, man.”

  “Maybe you could see a doc on the q.t. Someone who could prescribe somethin’ to make ya feel better.”

  “I’ve thought about it, but I can’t take that kind of risk. Prescription drugs could mess with my performance, plus if anyone found out I was bein’ treated for…” He let the potential diagnosis go unsaid, as though he couldn’t face the reality of his situation. “Did you know my old lady was bi-polar?”

  Aiden couldn’t hide his shock when his jaw dropped. “No. Jesus, why didn’t you ever tell me that?”

  “It’s not the kind of thing a kid likes to brag about, Coop.” He ran his hands through his damp hair. “She was a mess, everyone knew that, but they didn’t know why. I just let people go on thinkin’ she was an alcoholic. It was easier than tryin’ to explain the truth.”

  “What ever happened to her?” Aiden asked quietly, suddenly feeling guilty that he didn’t know.

  “She took an overdose of pills about five years ago. She just couldn’t take livin’ that way anymore. I can’t say I blame her.”

  “Jesus, Neil, listen to me. You gotta get help. You’re not your mother, and you don’t have to live like this. You have money, resources—”

  “Yeah, which means I have a hell of a lot more to lose than she did. Aside from me, she had nothin’ to live for, and when hockey started to take over my life, I let her know in no uncertain terms that I didn’t need to deal with her bullshit anymore.” His face lost color and he pinched his lips together. “She was sick, but I didn’t get that. I was angry, and I wanted to blame someone for my shitty childhood. I couldn’t blame my old man ’cause he wasn’t around, so she was the only target I could take aim at.”

  “You can’t blame yourself. Anyone probably would have reacted the same way in your position.”

  “Would you?” He let the question sink in before he asked, “If your mother was dealing with mental illness, would you leave her alone to fend for herself like I did?”

  Aiden couldn’t respond, because he knew it would be like rubbing salt in a gaping wound and that wasn’t fair.

  “Of course you wouldn’t, and we both know it. You’ve always been a good son. Hell, you’re a good guy. Not like me. The only person I ever cared about was myself. Even now, I’ve spent the last eight years tryin’ to guilt my wife into stayin’ in this marriage ’cause it was what I wanted. I didn’t care about what she wanted. Who does that?”

  “Someone’s who scared, desperate…” He sat back on the couch and crossed his boot over his knee as he regarded his old friend carefully. “I don’t blame you. Sela doesn’t blame you. You’ve gotta stop blamin’ yourself. It’s not healthy.”

  “You don’t blame me for marryin’ your woman, huh?” He smiled. “Why do I find that hard to believe?”

  “There’s plenty of blame to go around, and honestly, it doesn’t even matter anymore. What’s done is done. We can’t change the past. The question is, where do we go from here?”

  “You obviously wanna get back with Sela.” When Aiden didn’t respond, he said, “If she wants a divorce, I won’t contest it. The least I can do is let her go without a fight. After all, she’s the only one who’s stood by me.” He looked up and their eyes met. “Well, in a long time anyways.”

  “Honestly, I don’t know what Sela wants. She and I haven’t talked about the future. We’ve been too busy tryin’ to get past everything that happened.”

  “Huh, so she told you? I knew she would eventually. It was eatin’ her up inside. Listen, don’t be too hard on her. She did what she felt she had to do, for you, for her, for…” He paused when he caught a glimpse of the expression on Aiden’s face. “You don’t know what the hell I’m talkin’ about, do you?”

  Aiden was almost afraid to ask because he had the sense that whatever it was, it was going to change everything between him and Sela. “No, you gonna tell me, or what?”

  Neil stood up and shoved his hands in the pockets of his running shorts. “I wish I could, but I can’t. When the time is right, she’ll tell you. But do me a favor; when she does, give her a break. She’s already punished herself more than you ever could.”

  Aiden didn’t know if he was ready to uncover the truth.

  Chapter Eleven

  Sela sat at her desk, trying to force her attention back to the offer, but the words blurred together behind the haze of her tears. She knew this day would come eventually, but now that it was finally here, she couldn’t find the courage to go through with it. She couldn’t ask Neil for the divorce that would set them both free.

  A knock on the door forced her to look up. “Come in.” Her heart began to race when she saw the look on Aiden’s face. He looked as miserable and confused as she felt. “Oh, uh, hi. I wasn’t expecting you for another half hour.”

  “I just came from seein’ Neil. We need to talk.”

  Her stomach plummeted when she realized her husband had finally revealed her secret. It was the only possible explanation for Aiden’s morose mood. “Um, what did he have to say?” She tried to buy a few minutes to get her thoughts together. How could she offer him an explanation when she knew her actions were inexcusable?

  “He told me about the trade.”

  “Oh right, the trade.” She stacked documents into neat piles, trying to pretend she wasn’t trembling inside. “He told me about that earlier. He seemed happy about it.”

  “What does this mean for you?”

  Now that Aiden knew the truth about her betrayal, could she bear the thought of staying? “Um, I don’t know yet. Why?”

  “Why?” He started walking back and forth across the area rug that defined the small seating area where she usually had coffee with her agents. “How can you ask me that? I think I have a vested interest in this, don’t you?”

  “Uh, I don’t know. Do you?” If Neil had told him the truth, she couldn’t imagine Aiden would care whether she stayed or left Nashville.

  “Come on, stop playin’ games with me, Sela. What the hell’s goin’ on with you?”

  She feared saying too much, but she knew if she didn’t say something, his anger would continue to escalate. “Maybe you’d better tell me what my husband said to you.”

  He stopped walking long enough to stare her down. “It’s not what he said, it’s what he didn’t say. It was all very cryptic, as though y’all are in on some secret you don’t intend to share with me. What the hell’s that all about?”

  So Neil had said enough to pique Aiden’s curiosity, but he left it to her to fill in the blanks. The problem was, she didn’t know if she could stand to see the look on his face when she finally told him the truth about what she’d done. Unable to control her discomfort, she began wringing her hands as she prayed for some kind of divine intervention to excuse her from facing the moment she’d dreaded for years.

  “Sit down, Aiden.”

  “I’m not gonna like this, am I?” When she didn’t respond right away, he sank into the chair she’d indicated with a heavy sigh. “Whatever it is, it can’t be as bad as some of the stuff I was imaginin’ on the drive over here.”

  She bet the impact of her bombshell would make his worst-case scenarios pale in comparison. “When you left Nashville, I was in a really bad place. I was scared and alone, and I did
n’t want to tell you how I felt because I knew how excited you were about the future. It was everything you ever wanted, and I didn’t want to bring you down.”

  “Go on.”

  “But I was dying inside, missing you like crazy. Every day without you seemed like a month. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I remember being so tired…” Her voice drifted off as her mind recaptured the state she had been in during the brief months of her pregnancy.

  “Honey, I was goin’ through hell, too. You’ve gotta know that.”

  She smiled at his sweet endearment, knowing it would probably be the last one she would hear from him. The next five-letter word he called her would undoubtedly be much harsher and well-deserved. “I know you were.”

  “But I got through it, just thinkin’ about the off-season and knowin’ we’d be together again soon.”

  She knew he had to understand how she felt physically as well as emotionally at the time if she had any hope of earning his forgiveness for keeping him in the dark. “I know, I thought about that all the time, too.” She reached for a tissue when the tears started to fall on her desktop. “I couldn’t eat; I was getting sick almost every day… Sometimes just the thought of food had me running for the bathroom.” She wondered whether she would have to say the words aloud or if she could provide just enough clues to help him put the pieces together on his own.

  “Why were you gettin’ sick so often? Did you see a doctor?”

  “I did.” She looked up, but tore her gaze away when the bewilderment shading his striking eyes became more than she could stand. “He told me I was pregnant.” At first, she thought he didn’t hear her, but when she saw him shake his head in denial, she knew he was still trying to absorb the news.

  “What the hell…” He shook his head. “What are you…?” He dropped his head into his hands and she just wanted to reach out and ease his distress. “You cheated on me… with Neil?”

  “No, God no!” She tried to pretend the question didn’t insult her, but she knew he had every right to ask, given the fact that Neil was the man she chose to marry. “You were the only man I was with before I got pregnant, I swear.”