Trade Off Read online

  He held his hand up. “Wait a minute, are you tellin’ me you were pregnant with my baby when you married him?”

  She wiped away the tears sliding down her cheeks and tried to take a deep, steadying breath. Now was not the time to fall apart. There would be plenty of time for that later, when he told her he hated her and never wanted to see her face again. “Yes.”

  “Oh my God.” He bent forward, and for a split second, she thought he was battling nausea. “What happened to the baby? Please tell me you didn’t—”

  “No! How can you even ask me that?” He glanced at her and she knew he felt he was looking into the eyes of a stranger. “I’m sorry. You have the right to ask me any question you want. I know that.”

  “What the hell happened to my baby?” he asked between gritted teeth. His cheeks, which were pale with shock mere moments before, now flushed with barely contained rage and frustration.

  “I had a miscarriage at four and a half months.” She clasped and unclasped her hands, wishing she could contain the tension making every muscle in her body tremble. “I was arguing with my mother about…” She cleared her throat as she tried to control the quaver in her voice. “My decision, my marriage, everything, and I was upset. I was crying. I couldn’t see clearly, but I ran down the stairs in my haste to get away from her. I guess I missed the first step, because I tumbled from the top of the staircase to the bottom.”

  He moaned, as though he felt the pain of her words as deeply as she did. “God, no…”

  “It was a high-risk pregnancy; there had been other complications…” When he pressed his palms into his eyes, she knew he was fighting back tears. “I’m so sorry.”

  “How could you?”

  At first, she thought he was blaming her for putting their unborn baby at risk, but then she realized he was referring to the pregnancy she’d intended to keep from him. “I thought it was for the best. You were getting settled in Vancouver. I didn’t want to disrupt your new life—”

  “You didn’t think I had the right to know I was going to be a father?”

  His words were so soft, his tone so defeated. Sela had been prepared to face his wrath, but his utter devastation made her heart ache. She still loved him, and knowing she caused him so much pain nearly destroyed her. “I’ve berated myself every single day since the miscarriage, you have to know that. I hated myself for keeping it from you, for—”

  “You were gonna pass my baby off as his, weren’t you? That’s why you married him, isn’t it?”

  “Please, you have to try to understand…” How could she ask him to imagine what she’d been going through as a scared teen with a boyfriend living thousands of miles away, a sick father, and no source of support? “I didn’t know the first thing about being a mom. My parents were so disappointed in me. They begged me to put the baby up for adoption, but I couldn’t do that.”

  He looked at her for a long time, waiting for her to continue. “Did you ever consider giving our baby away?”

  “Never,” she whispered. “I loved him with all my heart, you have to know that.” She reflexively touched her now flat stomach. “I talked to him all the time, told him how talented his daddy was, how much—”

  “Him? It was a boy?” The question sounded as though it was torn from a throat left dry from the tears he refused to shed.

  “Yes.”

  “God, I can’t believe this.” He got up and braced his hands on the back of the chair he had been sitting on. “How could you marry him? How could you even think about passin’ my son off as his?”

  “I was young and alone. I had no money, no skills, no way of supporting our son or myself. When Neil got that contract here in Nashville…”

  Aiden swore. “Yeah, I worked my ass off and look where it got me. I was so goddamn good the hometown team couldn’t afford me. But they could afford Neil, couldn’t they? Hell, he probably didn’t even wanna think about goin’ anywhere else, did he?”

  “Please, try to understand. He was being a friend, trying to support me through a difficult time.” She thought about telling him about her father’s condition, but she didn’t want his pity. He had every right to be angry with her, and she was determined to hold it together while he had his say. “He wasn’t able to have children of his own, so—”

  “So he thought he could just steal my son? I can’t believe I felt sorry for that lyin’ sack of shit earlier. What kind of man does that?”

  “You’re not angry with him. You’re angry with me. I did this to you. I made the decision to keep my pregnancy from you, not him.”

  “I still can’t believe you did that. What made you think I wouldn’t have taken care of you, that I wouldn’t have welcomed the opportunity to be a father to our baby?”

  Her head throbbed with the pain of knowing there was no rewind button to erase the past. If only… “I hate that I hurt you. If I made the wrong choice, I’m sorry. But I was just so afraid of saddling you with a wife and baby you weren’t ready for. I loved you too much to do that to you.”

  “You couldn’t have been more wrong,” he said quietly, looking down at his clenched hands. “I think that hurts more than anything, knowing how wrong you were about me. I thought you knew me. I thought you knew how much I loved you. I told you all the time that I wanted to marry you and have a family with you. Didn’t you believe me?”

  She shrugged. Those words had always felt like pillow talk spoken in the climax of an intimate moment when they were able to shut out reality and pretend he was just a regular guy instead of a sought-after athlete destined for greatness. “I wanted to, but I didn’t know how you’d feel after you’d been up there a few years. I thought you might meet someone else.” Her full lips twisted into a wry smile. “I’ve heard those puck bunnies can be pretty persuasive. If my husband’s extra-marital activities are any indication…”

  His head shot up. “You know he’s been unfaithful to you?”

  “I’ve suspected as much for years. I’d liked to say I cared, but I really didn’t. Our marriage was never about the sex…”

  He winced. “That’s the last thing I wanna think about right now.”

  “Sorry, but it’s true. We got married because we were friends—”

  “I don’t care about any of that right now,” he said, pushing off the chair. “I’m still tryin’ to process the fact that you were carryin’ my baby and you intended to pass it off as his.”

  “Do you hate me?”

  “I don’t know how I feel right now.”

  Corine tapped her knuckles against the door before poking her head in. “Sorry to bother you, boss. Eddie Wood just arrived with his clients. They’re waiting for you in the conference room.”

  “Thanks, tell them I’ll be with them in a minute.” She waited for Corine to close the door before she looked up at Aiden. “That’s the listing agent for the house you wanted to make an offer on. What do you want me to do?” When he didn’t respond, she said, “If you want to proceed, you just have to sign right here.” She held up the prepared document. “I’ll take care of the negotiations.”

  “Just like that, huh? You’re gonna walk into that room with your goddamned professional mask in place and pretend you didn’t turn my world upside down?”

  “Aiden, I’m sorry.”

  He turned his back on her as he walked toward the door. “I don’t want to hear it right now. I need time to think about what I want to do.”

  Sela waited until he slammed the door hard enough to rattle the pictures hanging on her walls before she lowered her head to the desk and allowed the sobs to flow freely.

  Aiden walked into his childhood home, still feeling shell-shocked from the bomb his former girlfriend had detonated. He’d driven around for hours, past their old school, the lake where they used to park and make love under the stars, and the little home she shared with her parents. He was tempted to knock on their door, but he was still too raw to face them.

  “Hey, what the hell happened to you?”
Brianna asked, looking up from the textbook in her lap. “You look like you just lost your best friend.”

  “That’s what it feels like, kid.” He sat down in the oversized armchair across from his sister and closed his eyes. When he moved back home, he wanted to put the past to rest, but he never expected to learn that the girl he loved most of his life wasn’t the person he believed her to be. She felt like a stranger to him now. Not only did he feel as though he didn’t know her anymore, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the woman she’d become.

  “Does this have anything to do with Sela?” Brianna asked, setting the book down beside her.

  “What makes you think that?”

  “I remember the highs and lows back when you two were together. When it was good, you were on top of the world, but when y’all were fighting, it was like someone ran over your dog. I hated seeing you like that.”

  He found it interesting he seemed to have erased the bad times his sister remembered. During the past eight years, whenever he thought of Sela, he’d recall her beautiful smile, infectious laugh, or the way her eyes lit up when she was aroused or excited. Now, he wondered if he would ever be able to think of her without feeling bitter about the son she never wanted him to know.

  “I guess I let myself forget about all those arguments.” He tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He’d rather fixate on the bad times now. It would help fuel the fury burning in his gut.

  “Did you have a fight today? Is that what put you in this mood?”

  He and his sister had always been close, but he didn’t know if she could relate to how he felt. As a woman, it may be easier for her to put herself in his ex-girlfriend’s position. “I don’t know if I’d call it an argument exactly. Let’s just say she told me some things about the past, and now I have to figure out how I’m gonna deal with it.”

  “You wanna talk about it?” she asked quietly, pulling her legs up to rest her chin on her knee as she wrapped her arms around her legs.

  He’d been trying to make sense of it on his own for hours, to no avail. Maybe getting someone else’s perspective would help. “Sela found out she was pregnant shortly after I left Nashville.”

  Brianna gasped. “Oh my God, are you serious? Is that why she married Neil? Was the baby his?”

  “No, it was mine.”

  “But… I don’t understand. Why would she marry him if she was pregnant with your baby?”

  “According to her, she didn’t wanna mess with my plans.”

  “Huh.”

  Aiden looked up at his sister, trying to read her pensive expression. “What does that mean?”

  “I’m just trying to put myself in her position. She was so young, so were you. She must’ve been scared out of her mind.”

  “Yeah, she said she was.”

  “What happened to the baby?”

  He could barely get the word past the lump in his throat. “Miscarriage.”

  “I’m sorry, that sucks.”

  “Yeah, it does.” As young as he’d been, he would have given anything for his son to be born healthy. He thought of the boy he’d be today. He’d probably be teaching him to play hockey, maybe coaching his… Damn it, he couldn’t let himself go there. He couldn’t afford to waste any more time thinking about what might have been.

  “It must have been rough on Sela, too. Were her parents there for her, at least?”

  He shrugged. Feeling compassion for a woman who’d judged him unfit to be a parent to his own child was hard. “She said they weren’t too happy about it. I guess they’ve mended the rift since then.”

  “I’m trying to imagine how I would have felt in her situation, just graduated high school, planning for college in the fall… boyfriend dumps you…”

  “Damn it, Bri, I didn’t dump her!”

  “You left her behind, same difference.”

  “Are you tellin’ me this is my fault? How the hell was I supposed to know she was pregnant? It’s not like she thought to clue me in.”

  She lowered her legs and clutched a throw pillow to her abdomen. “I know. What would you have done if you had known? Would it have changed anything?”

  “Of course, it would have changed everything, you know that. I’m not the kind of guy who could abandon his own kid.” He smirked. “We both know the old man would kick my ass if I even thought about pullin’ a stunt like that.”

  Brianna scoffed. “Ain’t that the truth. So, what would you have done differently? Would you have taken Sela away from her home and family and set her up in some fancy condo with a nanny while you spent most of the year on the road playing hockey?”

  He thought about how much Sela would have hated that. She was an intelligent, active, and outgoing woman. To be so isolated would torture her. “I don’t know what I would have done.”

  “Or would you have given up your dream so you could be a daddy to that baby?”

  “I said I don’t know what I would’ve done.” He tried to tamp down his frustration with his sister. He wasn’t ready to face the tough questions yet, and he resented the fact she refused to back down. No question in his mind, she would be one hell of a litigator one day.

  “Those were your only two choices, and quite frankly, they both suck.” When he raised his head to glare at her, she stuck her tongue out at him. “I don’t care if this isn’t what you wanna hear. It’s the truth, and you know it. Sela was in an impossible situation. She was a teenager for Christ’s sake, Aiden. How can you hold her accountable for—”

  “She wasn’t gonna tell me about the baby. She was gonna pass that kid off as Neil’s, that’s why she married him.”

  “Okay, that was a really shitty thing to do.”

  “You’re tellin’ me. How the hell could she do somethin’ like that, Bri? I mean, as a woman, would you even consider doin’ somethin’ like that to a guy you claim to love?”

  “Uh, I don’t have a whole lot of experience with love. None, in fact, so I’m probably not the best person to ask.”

  His sister had never had a shortage of male admirers, but she had been so focused on getting an education that she rarely made time for serious relationships. “I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do. Neil’s been traded…”

  “Is Sela going with him?”

  “I don’t think so. Their marriage has been a crock from the start. I think they both realize it’s time to end the misery.”

  “Do you still love her?”

  He thought about it a long time before he responded. “If you’d asked me that question yesterday, I wouldn’t even have hesitated. I would’ve said hell yeah, she’s the only woman I’ve ever loved, but now I don’t even feel like I know her anymore.”

  “Can I give you a bit of advice?”

  “Sure.”

  “None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Before you decide that her mistakes are unforgiveable, ask yourself if the situation was reversed, and you were the one begging forgiveness, wouldn’t you hope that she could find it in her heart to show you a little mercy?”

  Chapter Twelve

  Sela sat in the driveway of the house she shared with her husband for a long time before finally cutting the engine. No matter what happened with Aiden, she knew she’d put this conversation off too long.

  “Hey there,” Neil said, looking up from the suitcase he’d been zipping up.

  His favorite suits were laid out on the bed, partially enclosed in garment bags, and several large suitcases already sat by the door to their bedroom. Apparently, he was anxious to start his new life in Los Angeles, with or without her.

  “I was wonderin’ when you were gonna get home. I wanted to stick around so we could talk, but I’ve got a cab comin’ to take me to the airport in a few minutes.”

  When she didn’t say anything, he held his arms out to her. Without hesitation, she stepped into his embrace. “I’m gonna miss you,” she whispered, clutching his back. “I wish you didn’t have to go.”

  She knew it was selfish of he
r to wish he could stay, to hold her hand and help her through the dismal days ahead, but he’d already sacrificed too much of his life to be there for her. It was time to let him go so he could find the happiness he deserved with someone who could love him in a way she never could.

  “Hey,” he said, framing her face with his hands. “Please don’t cry. I hate to see you so sad.” He brushed at her tears with the pad of his thumbs. “We both knew this day had to come, honey. Whether it was a week from now or five years from now, we couldn’t go on this way, sharin’ the same house, the same bed, but livin’ separate lives. You deserve better than that.”

  She shook her head as she gripped his wrists. “No, I don’t, but you do.”

  “Now where is that comin’ from?”

  “Aiden knows about the baby. I told him.” She sucked in a deep breath despite the pain in her chest. “He hates me, just like I knew he would.”

  “He could never hate you, no matter what he says. That guy has always loved you, and he always will.”

  “No, not anymore. He can’t even stand the sight of me.”

  He held her hands as he led her to the bed. He shifted his suitcase aside so they could sit down. “I was bein’ selfish when I convinced you to marry me, and I hate myself for that.”

  “How can you say that after you gave up everything to marry me? You were willing to be a father to a baby that wasn’t even yours. You offered to help my family, and you were such a good friend to me—”

  Neil pressed a finger against her lips to silence her. “You and Aiden were two of my best friends, and the only thing I was thinkin’ about was how I could use the situation to my advantage to get what I wanted. I’ve hated myself for a long time because of that. Hell, the guilt’s been eatin’ me alive. I think that’s part of the reason I’ve been down so much…” He released a breath. “I’m gonna stop by and see Aiden on my way to the airport. I don’t expect him to forgive me, but I’d like him to know that I’m sorry.”

  Sela squeezed his hands. “I think it’s sweet that you wanna make things right between you two, but I don’t think he’s ready to listen to anything we have to say right now.”