Trade Off Read online

  “That’s a chance I’m willin’ to take.” He brushed a hand over her hair as he leaned in to kiss her forehead. “You gonna be okay without me?”

  She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “I think so.” She tried to smile, but the attempt turned into a wobbly, watery failure. “I’m gonna try.”

  “You keep the house and whatever you need in terms of support. I’m more than happy to provide, you know that.”

  She reached up to stroke his bristly cheek. “You’re sweet to offer, but I’ve already taken too much from you. If we sell the house and split the proceeds, that’ll be more than enough for me to buy a little condo and keep the business afloat for a while longer.”

  “I don’t want you to have to struggle after everything we’ve been through, honey.” He brought her hands to his lips. “You’ll always be one of my best friends. I want you to know that.”

  “I feel the same way,” she whispered. “I need to know you’re gonna be okay.”

  “To tell you the truth, I’m feelin’ pretty good about the future, better than I have in a long, long time.”

  “I’m glad.”

  “I think I’m gonna try and find a counselor when I move out to L.A. It’s not a big deal out there. I figure everyone’s gotta be seein’ a shrink, right?”

  She laughed through her tears, trying to lighten the mood. “If they’re not, then they probably should be.”

  “Then I’ll be in good company.” He kissed her cheek, absorbing her tears. “I love you. You’ve been a better friend than I deserved, and bein’ married to you has been the highlight of my miserable life. I mean that.”

  She sniffled as she pushed against his chest. “Stop saying things like that or I may never stop crying.”

  He laughed as he stood up and pulled her to feet. “You’re gonna make things right with Aiden, I know you will.” He framed her face with his hands and leaned in to kiss her forehead. “You guys belong together, but you have to make sure there are no more secrets. Just be honest with him about everything from now on.”

  She rested her head on his shoulder. “The only thing he doesn’t know about yet is my daddy’s illness. I’ll tell him, if… well… I’m just gonna wait and see what happens. I’m not ready to start thinking about the future just yet.”

  Aiden was jogging up the stairs after an intense workout when the doorbell rang. Without checking the peephole, he opened the door. When he saw Neil’s smiling face on the other side, he was tempted to slam it shut, but his curiosity overruled his pride.

  “What the hell do you want?”

  Neil flattened his hand on the door, as though he sensed Aiden’s impulse to kick him out before he had his say. “I need to talk to you before I leave town.”

  “I know what you did.” Aiden tried to control his anger as his hands involuntarily clenched into fists. “How could you encourage her to do that to me?”

  “If you let me come in, I’d like to try and explain.”

  Aiden knew he had nothing left to lose, so he stepped back to let him in. “Say what you have to say, then get the hell out. I can’t even stand to look at you right now.”

  “Fair enough.” Neil closed the door behind him and followed Aiden into the kitchen.

  Aiden opened the fridge and retrieved two beers. He twisted the caps off both bottles and slid one across the counter to Neil. “So, start talkin’.”

  “I was in a really dark place back then, Aiden. Sharon had just broken up with me, you’d left town, my mama was a mess, I was tryin’ to work out a deal, but I didn’t know if it was gonna happen. I could’ve just as easily been relegated to some farm team forever.”

  As angry as he was, Aiden knew his problems paled in comparison to Neil’s issues. “So you thought steppin’ in to my life, with my girl and my kid, would somehow make your life better?”

  “In a word, yes.” He tipped the beer bottle to his lips before he continued. “You know I never had a family, and I didn’t think I ever would. When Sela found out she was pregnant, she was scared to death. I saw marryin’ her as a way out for both of us.”

  Aiden slammed his palm against the counter. “How the hell can you say that? Didn’t you give a thought as to how your decision might affect me?”

  “You remember that party your parents threw for you to celebrate your deal?”

  “Yeah, what about it?”

  Neil pointed out to the lounge chairs surrounding the salt water pool in the backyard. “We were sittin’ out there talkin’ about your future. You remember what you said to me that night?”

  He’d said a lot of things, probably more than he should have with a few beers under his belt. “Some of it.”

  “You said you were so glad to be gettin’ out of this town, away from Sela and all the pressure. You said you felt like you could breathe for the first time in years.”

  “I didn’t mean…” He thought back to the boy he’d been, on the verge of becoming a man, with a seven-figure contract to play the game he loved in his hand, the prospect of endorsement deals, and the knowledge that inside of a year, his name would be synonymous with talent.

  “Yeah, you did. And who the hell could blame you, man? Any guy would’ve felt the same way you had. You and Sela had been datin’ forever. Everybody knew your future was set in stone. It must’ve been a little scary, no?”

  “Yeah, I guess it was.”

  Neil clenched the beer bottle in his hand. “Sela overheard what you said to me that night.”

  “No.” Aiden dropped his head and closed his eyes as the harsh words, spoken in a drunken stupor, came flooding back. “Shit, she never said a word to me about it.”

  “You were leavin’ the next day. Hell, she was already afraid of losin’ you and she thought if she brought it up, it’d be like temptin’ fate.”

  “Damn it, I never meant to make her feel insecure about our relationship. I loved her, there was no doubt in my mind we’d end up together.” He sighed. “But if I’m bein’ honest, maybe I was needin’ a bit of a break from the day-to-day stress of a relationship so I could focus on my career for a while without any of the other distractions.”

  “Yeah, well, imagine how distracted you would’ve been if she’d told you about the baby a couple of weeks after you started training camp. How would you have kept your head in the game with all that on your mind, Coop?”

  “I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean she had the right to keep her pregnancy from me.”

  “I’m not sayin’ what we did was right, but it seemed like the best option for everybody. In hindsight, we were probably wrong, but what the hell did we know? We were all just kids. We didn’t know shit about life.” He chuckled. “Hell, I’m not so sure we’re a hell of a lot smarter now.”

  “Speak for yourself.”

  “You’re lettin’ the only girl you’ve ever loved get away a second time. You’re tellin’ me that’s smart?”

  “Does that mean she’s not goin’ with you?”

  “No, we’ve both known it was over a long time ago. Hell, as long as we’re bein’ honest, it was never a real marriage to begin with. We were friends, good friends, not much more to it than that. You were always the third person in that marriage, even when you were livin’ thousands of miles away.”

  “I don’t know if I can ever trust her again. To tell the truth, I’m not even sure if I can trust my own judgement anymore.”

  “You know what you need to do, man.” Neil set the beer bottle down on the counter. “Just don’t wait ‘til it’s too late this time.”

  Aiden walked Neil to the door and, after a minute’s hesitation, took the outstretched hand he offered. “Good luck in L.A. I hope you find what you’re lookin’ for there.”

  “So do I.” He shrugged. “It was time for a change. We’ll see what happens.” He raised his hand to let the taxi driver know he’d be right out. “I’d like to keep in touch, if that’s okay?”

  “We’ll see each other on the ice.”

&
nbsp; “Does that mean you’re not willin’ to take another stab at bein’ friends?”

  “I don’t know.” A week ago, he wouldn’t even have considered the possibility of repairing his relationship with Neil, but after a couple of good conversations, it didn’t seem so implausible. “Maybe.”

  Neil reached into his pocket and extracted a card with his contact information. “Some of that’s bound to change, but the email should remain the same.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  “Thanks for listenin’. I really hope you’ll think about givin’ Sela the same opportunity.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  Sela pulled into her parents’ driveway. She didn’t know what she hoped to gain, inviting herself to her childhood home for dinner, but she couldn’t stay in that big, empty house surrounded by memories of her failures.

  Her mother waited at the door, arms outstretched. “We were so glad you called, honey. We’ve missed you.”

  Sela laid her head on her mother’s shoulder. No matter how old she got, she’d never negate the power of her parents’ love to help heal her broken heart. “I’ve missed you too, Mama. Where’s Daddy?”

  “He’s outside picking some veggies for the salad. I thought we could have a little girl talk before dinner.”

  “That’d be nice.”

  Muriel Clarke led her daughter into the kitchen and gestured to the old oak table that had once belonged to her grandmother. It served as the hub of the small kitchen for as long as Sela could remember. “How’s Danny doing these days? It’s been too long since I’ve spoken to him.”

  Her mother laughed. “I have a feeling you’re gonna hear from him real soon. He called your daddy this morning to ask whether you’d heard from Aiden yet. He’s was hoping you could score some tickets for him.”

  “Why doesn’t he ask his brother-in-law for tickets?”

  Her older brother, Danny, was a local fire fighter and devoted hockey fan, but his strained relationship with Neil had taken a toll on their relationship too. The two men came to blows when Danny saw Neil leaving a local bar with a puck bunny on his arm, and despite the muttered apologies, holiday dinners at the Clarke home had been awkward ever since.

  “You know why,” Muriel said, pinching her lips together. “No matter what you say, we just don’t understand what you see in that man, angel. He’s an opportunist. He married you when you were scared and vulnerable and he’s used guilt to manipulate you ever since.”

  Sela hadn’t told her parents Neil offered financial assistance when the strain of her father’s medical bills nearly wiped out their life savings. She wanted to, but Neil insisted he wasn’t interested in buying their respect. He did not want them to feel indebted to him because of a random act of kindness years ago.

  Unfortunately, her parents had never been able to get past their belief their daughter married the wrong man. Their loyalty to Aiden meant they’d never been able to find a place in their heart for the man who, in their eyes, stole Aiden’s place in their daughter’s life.

  “Mama, please, I can’t deal with this tonight.” Sela dropped her head into her hands as tears burned her eyes. She thought she’d already reached her quota for the day, but apparently not. “I’m tired. It’s been one hell of a day.”

  “Your daddy said he read on the Internet Neil got traded,” Muriel said, sitting down to reach for her daughter’s hand. “Is it true?”

  “Yeah, it’s true.”

  “Please tell me you’re not going with him.” When she didn’t respond, Muriel squeezed her hand. “We both know this marriage has been over for a long time. I think it’s time for you both to admit that, so y’all can get on with your lives… For the love of God, you deserve a little happiness in your life, girl.”

  She and mother had never seen eye to eye about what she deserved, but that was an argument for another day. “I’m not going with him. It’s over.”

  She pressed a hand to her chest. “I’m so glad to hear you say that. We didn’t know what to expect.” After a long pause, she asked, “Does that mean y’all plan to file for divorce?”

  “Yes.”

  “You know how your daddy and I feel about divorce, but I think in this case, it’s for the best.”

  Sela didn’t know why she’d thought coming here of all places would give her a sense of peace. Her parents were against her marriage from the beginning and the years did little to change their opinion. “Why can’t you see Neil the way I do? He’s a good man, and he’s always been a good friend to me.”

  “A good man doesn’t cheat on his wife.”

  Sela sighed. Ever since her brother saw Neil at the bar, their low opinion of him hit rock bottom. “Our relationship wasn’t like yours. We never promised to love other each and be faithful forever. We promised to support each other, and that’s what we did.”

  “That’s ridiculous. What kind of husband was he if he was messing around with other women?”

  “I didn’t come here to talk about Neil. I know we’re never going to agree about him, and the fact is, it’s a moot point now.”

  “That’s true.” Muriel started folding a stack of napkins and placing them in the ceramic napkin holder in the center of the table. “So, what are your plans now that he’s out of the picture?”

  Sela knew her mother couldn’t sit still when she was nervous. When she and Danny were teenagers, they would often come home after curfew to find their mother in the midst of a cleaning frenzy to burn off the nervous energy. “We’ll sell the house, and I’ll buy a little condo close to the office. I’ll use the rest of the money to keep the business afloat for as long as I can.”

  “Are things really that bad, honey?” Muriel asked, running her finger back and forth over the paper crease. “If they are, maybe daddy and I could help you out for a while until—”

  Sela reached over to kiss her mother’s creased cheek. “I love you for offering, but I don’t want you to worry about a thing. I’ll be just fine.”

  “Have you spoken to Aiden?” She pointed to a folded newspaper on the table. “Your daddy said one of the local sports reporters interviewed him about the trade yesterday. He’s definitely back in town.”

  “I know. I’ve seen him.”

  “You have?” A gray eyebrow shot up beneath her silver bangs. “What happened? What did he say?”

  “Some things never change, Mama. As far as you guys are concerned, Aiden will always be the man I should have married.”

  “That’s because we’ve never seen you happier than you were with him. I know you were kids when you met, but so were your daddy and I, and look how well that turned out.”

  Even after they found out about her pregnancy, it didn’t change their opinion of their daughter’s first love. “I told him about the baby.”

  When she eloped with Neil, they were devastated and relentless in their quest to change her mind about shutting Aiden out of the baby’s life. Her mother even went so far as to threaten to tell Aiden the truth herself. That was the day she’d fallen down the stairs.

  “Honey?” Muriel said, stroking her hair. “I asked you what happened when he found out.”

  “Oh, uh, sorry. I guess my mind was somewhere else.”

  “You were thinking about the miscarriage, weren’t you, angel?”

  “How can I not?” She reached for one of the paper napkins to dry the tears collecting at the corners of her eyes. “With Aiden being back in town, having to tell him the truth about why I married Neil, it just brought it all back. Sometimes I think I’m over it, I go weeks without thinking about it, and then it all comes back when I least expect it and I feel as though I’m right back where I started.”

  “Oh, baby,” her mother said, holding her hand. “I felt the same way when I miscarried, and you were further along than I was. You’d already fallen in love with that baby. You’d chosen a name for him, started buying clothes…”

  “I shouldn’t have done that. Maybe I jinxed it.” She’d stashed t
he tiny blue outfit she intended to bring her son home from the hospital in in the bottom drawer of her dresser, wrapped in tissue, and every once in a while she brought it out and remembered all of the dreams she had for him. Her therapist told her that eventually she would be ready to part with the garment, but that day still hadn’t come, and as time went on, Sela was beginning to doubt it ever would.

  “It wasn’t your fault. It was an accident.” Muriel brushed away the tear sliding down her plump cheek. “If anyone was to blame for that miscarriage, it was me. If I hadn’t pressured you about getting an annulment and telling Aiden—”

  “Please, don’t blame yourself.” Knowing that her mother dealt with her own guilt over what happened to her unborn grandchild pained Sela.

  “Your daddy and I never wanted you to be a mama so young. It’s a long and difficult road for any young girl, but we would have given anything for that baby to have been born happy and healthy. I hope you know that.”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Aiden must have been devastated when you told him. We’ve all had years to grieve the loss, but he’s just being hit with it now. I trust you told him everything?”

  Sela looked her mother in the eye. They hadn’t talked about the darkest days of their lives in so long, she didn’t know how Muriel would react. “I didn’t tell him that daddy was sick.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe I felt he was entitled to his anger. If I told him about daddy, he may have felt sorry for me. I didn’t deserve his pity.”

  “That poor boy. He must have been devastated.”

  “Mama, it would be nice if you stopped to consider how all of this is affecting me. Aiden has his own family to support him.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Muriel said, reaching over to put her arm around her daughter’s shoulder. “There’s nothing your daddy and I wouldn’t do for you. You know that.”

  Sela leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder. “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”